And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28 NIV
On Wednesday, September 7th, I went to my doctor's office for my 12 week check up. When I was pregnant with Max, everything was textbook - so I had no reason to be apprehensive or worried.
We had a busy week full of appointments, so I told Jordan I would go by myself. They would just be measuring my belly and listening to the baby's heartbeat - nothing big.
When the doctor couldn't get a heartbeat on the doppler, she said not to be alarmed - 12 weeks is sometimes too early to hear anything. She got the ultrasound machine out and rolled it into my room. After what seemed like an eternity she turned to me and said the words I dreaded... "I'm so sorry, I have some bad news. It looks like the baby doesn't have a heartbeat. In fact, it's only measuring 8.4 weeks, so you probably miscarried around then." I was still in shock because I hadn't had any physical symptoms of miscarriage. My nausea had decreased a little, but I was still gaining weight and everything seemed to be completely normal.
Nothing could have prepared me for the words that came from her mouth. I had her check again - and she was so patient to do so. She allowed me time to sob, ask a million questions, and make my phone calls to Jordan and my mom. Looking back I am so impressed by the way she supported me during that 30 minutes of darkness.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18
The support I received from family, friends and co-workers still amazes me. I was so thankful for Facebook and email during those first few days, because it enabled people to share their stories with me - stories of so many women I was so close to who had gone through the exact same thing and I was totally unaware of it!
I had a D&C surgery that Friday, September 9th and everything went so smoothly. God blessed me with the best nurses I could have dreamed of. What a job nursing must be - I know it must have it's difficult times, but to have the opportunity to serve and encourage people every day would be such a privilege.
The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people's disgrace from all the earth. The Lord has spoken. In that day they will say, "Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation."
Isaiah 25:8-9
Over the past two weeks, I have experience every spoke of the grief wheel. I have cried out in sorrow, in confusion, and in anger - and I have felt such peace and solace in my Heavenly Father's promises. I felt so empty for several days - but slowly feel like the Holy Spirit is filling that space again. I know that God is good in all things, and that His ways are higher than mine.
I can't live in a bubble of fear. I won't. I can't not lift my precious two-year-old Max when he says "Mommy! Hold you?" I can't stop drinking Dr. Pepper for 9 months. I can't quit living because I'm afraid I'll miscarry again. I can trust God with my whole life, including the life of a little one that might be growing inside of me one day. I can ask him to give me peace. I can find joy in the hope that I will get to hold that precious baby in heaven one day, even though I can't hold him/her on this earth.
I hope that if you or someone you know has experienced a loss like this, that you find comfort in knowing you're not alone. Statistics show that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage - so chances are someone close to you has gone through the same thing. I found that out a couple of weeks ago.
In spite of everything, I am excited to get pregnant again - and I think being a mommy the second time around will make me more grateful. Thanks for letting me share my story with you.
